anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
