Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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