I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
