new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
