Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
