It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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