Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
