I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You pole danced in your parka.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
