before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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