I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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