I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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