NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
