I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
