I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize