had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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