dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
nutella sex= disaster
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
