What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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