Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
