he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
