why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
