dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
