I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
