dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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