Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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