you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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