god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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