we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
