My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
