I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
