your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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