He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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