The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
