I seem to have left my pride at pride
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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