Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize