Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Found your dick twin last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
