pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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