Say something about gay babies.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
