Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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