she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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