Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
