oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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