to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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