Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
