I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
