I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
