you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
