passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
