you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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