She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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