We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
