the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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