I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
wow bdsm is so cute
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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