I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
