My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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