I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
