My sheets look like a crime scene.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
