Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm getting married
To pizza
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
