I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
