Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
